Things to Avoid on Television...

Or... How Nicholas Cage robbed me of 90 minutes of my life.

I know what you're saying: I should have known better. But you have to understand my position on this one. I'm coming off of a tooth extraction earlier in the week. I'm just a little under the weather. I caught just enough of a Mork and Mindy marathon the other day to find it quaint and nostalgic, and I had just caught Crank the previous morning and found it to be not so bad.

So when I saw that the Cage-fest known as Next was coming on this morning, I figured, "What the heck?" It can't be as bad as everyone says it was, right?

As Cage's character Chris Johnson says during a critical point in the movie: "Something's wrong... I made a mistake." Only unlike Johnson, I have no power of prognostication. It was far too late into the film to turn around or change my decision. I had been screwed hardcore.

Most of the film isn't that bad. Sure, it's got it's cornball moments, and Cage will be Cage as they say, but the visual effects are pretty to look at. I've watched corny or lame films before. But this film, oh this dirty bastard of a film, has the one sin for which I cannot forgive: the non-ending.

I don't care how pointless or contrived you make a movie. I will literally watch garbage as long as it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. But this film had a classic "you should be able to figure out the rest" ending that left me feeling completely cheated. Did someone think there would be a sequel? Did someone decide the effects would sell the flick, so why bother finishing the script up?

Were you just testing the limits of yur fame, Nic? For crying out loud, I defended you in Ghost Rider, and this is how you treat me? I had to watch Jessica Biel attempt to act in this film, Nic. Wasn't that punishment enough?

Ah, well. It's my own fault. I should trust my own common sense next time and just watch... well, anything. Or nothing. A nap would have been more enjoyable in the grand scheme of things. And it probably would have had a stronger plot, too.