Dark Avengers? I Got This Covered...

So there's been some chatter about Marvel's upcoming event/epic/idea/cash cow Dark Reign. With it comes a new team of mystery called the Dark Avengers. Now, there are several theories as to what will happen, the most likely being that some of the less heroic members of the Marvel U will get a foothold into some key areas, but screw all that.

Let's focus instead on the creation of a new variant team of Avengers. Variant teams are cool, especially if you can sell multiple variant cover issues. Being called Dark Avengers, many people think that the team will be comprised of "darker" or villain elements like Dr. Doom or the like. Me? I just assume that the team will be pseudo-dark, and all of the edge will come from the fact that they don't "play by the rules". Having come to that conclusion, I've composed a team of heroes that I think will make it onto this team, complete with the reasoning behind it. So I bring you, in no uncertain terms... The Dark Avengers!

First of all, they all have to wear black so that people can clearly understand that they're edgy. Not to mention otherwise people won't get why they're called Dark. So we start things off with Spider-Man. Heck, he inexplicably changed back to his black costume for 4 months last year just to establish he wasn't playing by the rules, so he can do it again in a heartbeat. Just think of the variant covers...

Next, we need someone that's an old school Avenger that still fits the theme. Easy choice, here: Hawkeye. He'll be coming fresh off of his Skrull killing spree from the invasion and more than ready to say, "F___ you!" to whoever he'll be required to. He's actually an ex-villain. You got to appreciate that. Hawkeye will wear a new black variant of his old Hawkeye costume, because his black Ronin outfit is being worn by...

Iron Fist. I won't lie to you. I have no reason for him to be on the team other than he's cool. Well, that and his old buddy will be there, too (whoops, spoilers!). Besides, the team needs a master of super judo, and you can't go wrong with a guy who can break stone with his glowing fist. (Incidentally, his fist will now glow black in order to more properly fit with the teams' theme.)

Now we add Punisher. Hawkeye is okay, but we need a real loner who breaks the rules, and Wolverine already has 6 teams to be on. I'd go with US Agent, but he's still in Canada (may God have mercy on his soul...). Punisher also uses guns, which we sorely need on a team with edge.

Now we need another heavy hitter. We can't use Iron Man, so we'll go with the next best thing: War Machine. War Machine fits the bill for several reasons. First, he has various conventional weapons to complement his beams and other miscellaneous gear (remember, guns = win on an edgy team). Also, unlike Iron Man, War Machine's armor is naturally black. I know what you're thinking; it's mostly gray, but gray is the new black these days.

Now for the final member. You know him because you love him (and also because I all but gave it away earlier): Luke "Sweet Christmas" Cage. He's super strong, he's nigh invulnerable, and he drives the van... wait, that's Mr. T. Screw it, that's close enough. Luke's got the attitude to found this team, but unfortunately he's lacking the black costume. So in the interest of team unity, Luke will run around naked.

So, to recap the team in total:

Spider-Man (inexplicably back in his black costume)
Hawkeye (in a new modified black costume)
Iron Fist (in Ronin's old black costume)
Punisher (for the edgy, breaks the rules loner... and because Wolverine is busy)
War Machine (guns = win and gray is the new black) and
Luke Cage (who drives the van and, for purposes of team unity, will run around naked).

Over the course of months, the team will gel and add new members, most notably Bill Foster, AKA Goliath. He has the black costume and will have an edgier attitude after having inexplicably returned from the dead ("You buried me in a f***ing tarp?!"). The book will come out twice a month, have at least one variant cover per issue, and involve battles with such epic villains as girl Loki, girl Ultron, girl Thanos (you'll never guess whose baby she's carrying), and your mom.

And, it should be noted, I will buy the **** out of this book. It will be that made of win.

But since the whole thing is mostly speculation, I doubt anything even remotely as cool will actually come fromt he title. Still it's nice to dream. Oh, I'd pity the fool that crossed the Dark Avengers.

Addendum: No sooner do I post this than I stop by the blog of Sam Johnson And discover to my horror this disturbing bit of news about Black Panther. And while I am remiss to think that Marvel would be insane enough to replace T'Challa in a gender swap, it only helps my argument here. Because I realized that the only thing my team is missing... is a chick. Female Panther has "mystery seventh teammate" written all over her. And she's already wearing black! It's like destiny or something.

And what's scaring you right now is that somewhere, deep in the back of your mind, this all makes perfect sense to you, too.