...as a puppy.

Okay, so I haven't spent the past few days being sick as a dog, but only because I can imagine myself being sicker than I was. Mind you, I don't want to visit that reality any time soon.What sucks about my sinuses flaring up is that the short term result has been what feels like a knot in my throat that only bothers me when I try to speak. Anyone that knows me should know just how terribly bad it is for me to be unable to talk without feeling like my voice might go out. And that's not even counting that my job is in communications.

In lighter news... Happy Halloween! Okay, so I'm just sneaking it in under the wire. I was having a moment where I was wondering if I was the only oddball in my family when my sister sent me this video showing off her new camera and her encounter with a baby squirrel.

Dear Mom,

It's genetic. Bwa-hahahahaha!

Sincerely,
Your son.

And as one final note, I had the fortune (or misfortune) to remember NaNoWriMo the day before it starts. NaNoWriMo (or National Novel Writing Month) is a month-long effort to write a full length novel in the course of a month. Since I actually remembered on time this year (I usually remember sometime around the 10th) I'm going to give it a legitimate shot here. The effort in this case is supposed to be more important than the end result. And as added incentive for cheering me on (or deciding to take the plunge and go for it yourself), I solemnly vow that if I succeed in this task, I will make a copy available for reading.

That's right, kiddies. All the terrible and abstract things that I most certainly wouldn't let through my filter on a good day, splayed out in the interest of filling pages. Come on. You know you want to see it... At any rate, I'll track my success (or failure) here as the attempt continues.

"Are you there, Joe... It's me Ras John!"

I get losing track of facts, losing track of your talking points, or even losing track of where you are in your notes, but how do you lose track of an entire person?




I can actually accept this, but when the lyric popped into my head that way I just had to post it.

Did I Just Hear That?

So I was watching The View yesterday...

... alright, get the laughter out of your system now. There, you happy? Now then, I was watching the... dangnabbit! I just like seeing them squabble at the beginning, okay? Are you done?

Anyways, the opening clip is here. I won't embed it because even though I'm man enough to admit that I watched The View, I can't bring myself to actively post it here. I'll direct you to the about the 1:30 mark, and I will quote Sherri Shepherd directly here:

"I always feel like, you know, 'cause I'm learning so much about politics... and I want to come to the table with what I've learned... that I don't want to talk about it with anyone else because I s---- my w--- so early..."

For those that are having trouble deciphering my elusive editing code, the phrase in question involves the firing of a projectile and is also something that Sherri technically can't do (and no, I am most certainly getting into that debate with anyone...).

Now for anyone who bothered to check the clip, my response at home is similar to the one that the other ladies have. Basically, I sat there for about 4-5 seconds to determine whether I had or had not heard her correctly. Then there was the additional second or two of trying to figure out if she was, in fact, allowed to say said phrase uncenesored. The fact that when she attempts to say it again, it is censored (the first time on the live show it went out completely uncensored) would seem to indicate that it is most certainly not allowed.

Sherri goes on to explain that she just learned that phrase recently, although she clearly isn't aware of all of its connotations. I know will argue that she may have been using it the literal alternative as it relates to some sort of economic or banking issue. And using that logic, I might also believe that certain rappers are just big fans of skeet shooting.

But Sherri... oh, Sherri. That you could say such a thing without knowing that it has such a blatantly slummy connotation... I have to admit, it makes you oddly compelling. What other things have you not learned yet? What can I teach you...?

"I'm Joe the Plumber."

After hearing about "Joe the Plumber" for the past two weeks, I've decided that I don't rightly care what he has to say about anything, how he feels about life, and especially his views on politics. He was cute when he was just this Joe Everyman that was asking a question about his life and getting an answer that he should have listened to (note for future reference: people only tend to hear what they want to out of a conversation).

Now, thanks to John McCain and his incessant need for repetition, he's been elevated to mock superstar status. And by that, I mean he's been mocked by a good many people at this point. Not only is he not officially a plumber, he doesn't make anywhere near the 250K a year he'd need to in order to be affected by an increase in tax rates. And that's just the start of why Good Ol'Joe isn't quite what he made himself out to be.

And if it just ended there, I'd probably be fine. But no, we've got to be beaten over the head with Joe the Plumber. He's the unofficial "Tippecanoe" of the McCain campaign, and it's gotten ridiculous.

I'm forced to be subjected with commercials showing, ahem... "average Joes" (I can't get out of this death spiral) proudly proclaiming, "I'm Joe the Plumber." And while it could be a catchy phrase, it only serves to remind me how stupid a premise the story of the original Joe the Plumber is. You might as well just say something more relevant, like, "I can't do simple mathematics..." or, "I lack listening comprehension."

And Joe himself isn't helping things, either. He almost seemed like he was just going to bow out gracefully until he noted that he wouldn't mind running for political office. And while there's nothing inherently wrong with running for office ("he said with a straight face"), it's a little telling of how this Joe Six-Pack (you know he ties a few on) doesn't know when discretion is the better part of valor.

But I do have one positive thing to say about Joe. He has been consistent in one thing that he's said since the very beginning. The facts are out there, and people should get out there and find them for themselves. It almost makes me think Joe isn't that bad of a guy, and honestly he probably isn't. Still, the only time I want to hear the phrase, "I'm Joe the Plumber," from now on is in the sequel to Who's Nailin' Paylin: Still Nailin' Paylin.

(And don't act like this hasn't crossed Larry Flynt's mind at least once already.)

After Review, The Flag Has Been Picked Up..

So according to this report, thousands of voters that were flagged and wouldbe denied the opportunity to vote will get to now. This is good news, regardless of who you planned to vote for.

It's kind of sad that this kind of flagging and disqualification has been taking place across the country. My favorite part is how many of the officials overseeing the process want to claim they have the right to do so now, particularly so close to the election.

It's funny (and by funny I mean sad) that said officials try to act like their being robbed of some right to purge voter logs. Anything but that. The simple truth is that it's too late to do any bookkeeping. See, the laws in place in most states (including this one) prevent any kind of purging or removing of people from the logs within 90 days of an election. This is not only so that there is no attempted deception with regards to any possible suppression, but also so that there can't even be the illusion of any sort of foul play. Not to mention that challenging registrations at this point gives a person little to no time to attempt to correct the mistake before the election. Fortunately, early voting in many places has helped expose many potential hangups that might not have been found until election day.

In short, any officials that wanted to fuss over any fakers in the rosters have had the better part of 2-3 years (3-4 years if you only count presidential elections) to sift them out. So if you happen to know anyone that may have been told that they couldn't vote or that their registration was being challenged, please tell them that they most likely can and they should recheck things or just go and attempt to vote anyway. Because even though they're supposed to be notified that they can vote, I don't have much faith in the system to come through like it should.

F***ed Up.

There comes a point when you see a story and no other words are there to describe it except f***ed up. The story is here.

I don't care how you feel about gun ownership, gun control, or gun whatever, I can't see any logical reason your child should be anywhere near an uzi. Case closed.

Why I Love Attack of the Show

Okay. So honestly, there's a million reasons to love the show, but this is the one I picked. The story goes like this: the AoTS Gang shows a clip from last week where guest host Layla Kayleigh (who by the way is another reason to watch the show) accidentally slaps the bejeezues out of guest host Chris Hardwick. There are several things funny about this bit as a whole. First, if you had seen Layla slap Chris to begin with, you'd be forced to admit that that in and of itself was worth revisiting. I don't think I've ever seen anyone as apologetic over an accident as Layla was, which unfortunately only served to make it funnier.

Kevin and Olivia then go on to say they don't see the big deal about it. See, they apparently do that all the time as part their pre-show hyping ritual. Which leads to this scene with Olivia slapping random staffers. If it had ended there, we'd still be good. But then, wait for it, it gets epic...



It's the commitment that gets me every time. Kevin Pereira not only smacks her, he full commits to it and walks off triumphant. But Olivia, to her credit, helps sell this with her mock shack. Of course, the way that show runs, she may not have seen that one coming for real. Ah, good times.

Solid!

Okay, so the real campaign would never pull something like this. But despite the backlash they would receive for doing it, it would impress me to no end.



But what do I know? I was a big fan of the "Dukakis After Dark" sketch back in the day.

And I didn't love this short at first, but darned if the last 30 seconds didn't sell it for me.



And yes, it bothers me that Andy Samberg is more in touch with his inner rasta than I am. Not that that's saying much.

Dark Avengers? I Got This Covered...

So there's been some chatter about Marvel's upcoming event/epic/idea/cash cow Dark Reign. With it comes a new team of mystery called the Dark Avengers. Now, there are several theories as to what will happen, the most likely being that some of the less heroic members of the Marvel U will get a foothold into some key areas, but screw all that.

Let's focus instead on the creation of a new variant team of Avengers. Variant teams are cool, especially if you can sell multiple variant cover issues. Being called Dark Avengers, many people think that the team will be comprised of "darker" or villain elements like Dr. Doom or the like. Me? I just assume that the team will be pseudo-dark, and all of the edge will come from the fact that they don't "play by the rules". Having come to that conclusion, I've composed a team of heroes that I think will make it onto this team, complete with the reasoning behind it. So I bring you, in no uncertain terms... The Dark Avengers!

First of all, they all have to wear black so that people can clearly understand that they're edgy. Not to mention otherwise people won't get why they're called Dark. So we start things off with Spider-Man. Heck, he inexplicably changed back to his black costume for 4 months last year just to establish he wasn't playing by the rules, so he can do it again in a heartbeat. Just think of the variant covers...

Next, we need someone that's an old school Avenger that still fits the theme. Easy choice, here: Hawkeye. He'll be coming fresh off of his Skrull killing spree from the invasion and more than ready to say, "F___ you!" to whoever he'll be required to. He's actually an ex-villain. You got to appreciate that. Hawkeye will wear a new black variant of his old Hawkeye costume, because his black Ronin outfit is being worn by...

Iron Fist. I won't lie to you. I have no reason for him to be on the team other than he's cool. Well, that and his old buddy will be there, too (whoops, spoilers!). Besides, the team needs a master of super judo, and you can't go wrong with a guy who can break stone with his glowing fist. (Incidentally, his fist will now glow black in order to more properly fit with the teams' theme.)

Now we add Punisher. Hawkeye is okay, but we need a real loner who breaks the rules, and Wolverine already has 6 teams to be on. I'd go with US Agent, but he's still in Canada (may God have mercy on his soul...). Punisher also uses guns, which we sorely need on a team with edge.

Now we need another heavy hitter. We can't use Iron Man, so we'll go with the next best thing: War Machine. War Machine fits the bill for several reasons. First, he has various conventional weapons to complement his beams and other miscellaneous gear (remember, guns = win on an edgy team). Also, unlike Iron Man, War Machine's armor is naturally black. I know what you're thinking; it's mostly gray, but gray is the new black these days.

Now for the final member. You know him because you love him (and also because I all but gave it away earlier): Luke "Sweet Christmas" Cage. He's super strong, he's nigh invulnerable, and he drives the van... wait, that's Mr. T. Screw it, that's close enough. Luke's got the attitude to found this team, but unfortunately he's lacking the black costume. So in the interest of team unity, Luke will run around naked.

So, to recap the team in total:

Spider-Man (inexplicably back in his black costume)
Hawkeye (in a new modified black costume)
Iron Fist (in Ronin's old black costume)
Punisher (for the edgy, breaks the rules loner... and because Wolverine is busy)
War Machine (guns = win and gray is the new black) and
Luke Cage (who drives the van and, for purposes of team unity, will run around naked).

Over the course of months, the team will gel and add new members, most notably Bill Foster, AKA Goliath. He has the black costume and will have an edgier attitude after having inexplicably returned from the dead ("You buried me in a f***ing tarp?!"). The book will come out twice a month, have at least one variant cover per issue, and involve battles with such epic villains as girl Loki, girl Ultron, girl Thanos (you'll never guess whose baby she's carrying), and your mom.

And, it should be noted, I will buy the **** out of this book. It will be that made of win.

But since the whole thing is mostly speculation, I doubt anything even remotely as cool will actually come fromt he title. Still it's nice to dream. Oh, I'd pity the fool that crossed the Dark Avengers.

Addendum: No sooner do I post this than I stop by the blog of Sam Johnson And discover to my horror this disturbing bit of news about Black Panther. And while I am remiss to think that Marvel would be insane enough to replace T'Challa in a gender swap, it only helps my argument here. Because I realized that the only thing my team is missing... is a chick. Female Panther has "mystery seventh teammate" written all over her. And she's already wearing black! It's like destiny or something.

And what's scaring you right now is that somewhere, deep in the back of your mind, this all makes perfect sense to you, too.

House Retro: Revisiting the ashes of the past

Because I have no other article to innaugurate my new blog site with (and also as a testament to just how lazy I've been in the past), here... in its entirety, is the first entry of my old new blog circa Feb. 26, 2008:

So here's the deal. My staunch dedication to my hobby as a medium combined with my desire to get more flex out of my literary muscle (that's not a real muscle, by the way) has made me decide to give another shot to the greatest of all columns ever written by me during the past three years. I refer of course to the notorious "House Rules!".

And so, I am reborn! As the mighty phoenix rises from the ashes of despair... as the deadly Hydra's heads regrow as they are severed to threaten anew... as the mighty Ricki-Ticki-Tavi bit the **** out of that cobra (and you know he did, because that mongoose was hardcore like that)... so then shall I rise. Shall I prevail. And shall I resume my almighty blogness... until a new game comes out or something else distracts me.As per my previous statement, my first installment is more of a question and answer segment. The questions have been previously offered per my request on the infamous GameFAQs C&GN board. Apologies in advance for not getting every question and for forgetting who asked which one, but that's what happens when you forget to check and rebump your own board topics on a semi-regular basis.

-------

Do you watch House?

A rude but brilliant man with physical imparity and a knack for abusing those around him and somehow not running them off? Do I watch House? I am House.
Okay, I'm not, but I could be. And what a great example of the medical profession he is. His medical prowess amounts to doing every random test imaginable and throwing treatments at the patient like a monkey flings poop. Eventually, he lucks out, stumbles across the right thing and it sticks. Hmm. Come to think of it, that is a pretty accurate assessment of how the real medical system works.

... I wish I was kidding.

But seriously, I do watch the show. Not religiously (and really, no one should have House as a religion), but if it's on and I'm not trying to catch anything else at the time I tend to check it out. The format for the show does tend to get a bit predictable (you almost always know the first diagnosis is wrong), but a good deal of the episodes are more about the lives of House and his associates and how the case forces them to look at their own values and beliefs. In that repsect, it's good storytelling, and I'm a sucker for good storytelling.

-------

Who wins... Superman or Thor?

Superman doesn't lose comic crossover battles. Period. Magic blah blah... comparable feats of strength, yadda yadda... he don't lose. It's an irrelevant argument, and like most hypothetical comics battles it all comes down to writer's choice.

-------

Who is Red Hulk?

(Note: this topic contains possible spoilers for issues already on sale)

I'll tell you who it isn't. It isn't Tony Stark. It's not Jennifer Walters. And despite appearances and all information that led to him, it's not Rick Jones. And I say this primarily because they've all appeared on panel with said Hulk, so barring some bizarre cloning power (and please, let us not venture into that perilous pile), it's safe to say that he isn't any of them.
So who is Red Hulk? Well, not having followed much related to Planet Hulk, World War Hulk, or even the new Red Hulk, I can't possibly make an educated guess on the matter. So the smart thing to do would be to save myself some time and trouble and not embarrass myself with an obviously wrong gag answer.

...

It's the Leader. Think about it. It's the opposite of everything that he's ever been. He's big, strong, and impulsive. And red is the opposite of green (at least in traffic it is). So clearly, this giant, red, fast, and interestingly thougtful behemoth running around with a chip on his shoulder must be Leader. And don't tell me that Leader is dead or has been seen on panel with Red Hulk or something, because I won't hear it. Part of an irrational guess is the lack of rational behind it.

------

What do you think of the World's Finest Heroclix figure?

Ah, a good move. What's better than a question about comics or gaming? A question about comics based gaming. I'm almost obligated to answer this one.

So, World's Finest is the Buy It By the Brick figure for the new DC Heroclix: Crisis set. Long story short: you buy a brick, you send in for the figure. What do I think about it? I'll split it into two fields of thought, since there are two ways to approach the issue.

First of all, is the figure playble? The short answer is not really. First of all, it's 500 points, which means that it's only going to see the table in larger point games to begin with. Arguably, it's got a pretty nice dial, and between the collection of powers and what many consider two of the best team abilities in the game, it should be fun to toss out there. Having said that, I've never had much success with high point figures. Smaller point figures on more mobile teams tend to out-action and out maneuver them eventually, and I'd wager that short of a 800-1000 point game (where you could add a lot of backup support), the same would be true for World's Finest. But as I am always apt to say, it's impossible to say for certain until the figure makes it into players' hands and onto game boards.

Secondly I'd imagine is the larger issue: what do I think of WizKids using World's Finest as their brick figure? Honestly, I think it's a good move for a few reasons. First of all, it's two of their most recognizable characters in a pretty spiffy pose. Even if it was the most unplayable piece of plastic ever made (note: it's far from that), it would still be a hearty edition to a collector's desk or shelf (it can go right next to my Planet Hulk dial, it can).

The only thing that WK seems to be taking flak for is announcing that the figure is a numbered limited edition piece. This has prompted all sorts of stories to pop up with accusatons of possible abuse, deception, and collusion by store owners. The notion is that some stores may sell product early, allowing their patrons to gain an undue advantage by sending in their order forms early. I don't know how prevalent that particular activity will be, but I honestly think it's going to be a waste of time. I know there's going to be a bit of a rush to send off for the figure, but I don't think the number they're producing (5000) is all that small. Consdiering we don't know what the producton numbers of previous figures was, it's possible that that number is exactly the same or even higher than other brick figures that have been made.

I'd wager that anyone who sends off for World's Finest within the first few days (maybe even weeks) of the set's release won't have anything to worry about except for maybe not receiving a low numbered version of it. And if you're really worried about something that unimportant, you probably want to reprioritize.

So in summary, World's Finest: cool figure. Nice move by WK. Don't kill yourself speeding to the post office at 12:05 Wednesday morning.

------

Okay, that's it for now. Coming up this weekend: more rambling about things that no one cares about, the first of a new set of comic reviews (Amazon dating rituals... madness!) , and quite possibly the resumption of a regular posting schedule. Dare to dream.

(So there it is. The whole kit and kaboodle. Well, maybe mostly kaboodle with a side of kit, but you get the idea. In retrospect, I said nothing that was untrue (aside from maybe underestimating the appeal of that World's Finest figure. Yikes, but that thing went like hotcakes. Anywho, I'll be back soon with something or other. Maybe my old review posts or other insanity.)